It's been months since I have written down anything (via Blog) on how I feel or where I have been. I have only been able to do brief statements here and there in regards to what and how I am doing in life these days. I took a pretty hard blow back on September 9, 2009 of last year when I woke up to a door bell in the house which was the alarm by my mother’s bedside in case she ever needed us. IN this case it was not my mom ringing it but my dear Aunt Nell telling me my mom is taking her final breaths. In this moment I have to say watching my mom struggle those last breaths killed me but to see her finally breath that last breath and be let go into the hand of God was miraculous. The OH Thank God she is not in pain anymore passed. I was praising God for now I knew my mother was no longer in pain. I knew she would never feel the frustration of wanting to say something and not being able to due to the tumor affecting all her motor skills. In those last days with my mom I was honored to be by her side night and day and would not change that. I was honored when God finally took her to His kingdom and rescued her soul. I guess going through the last month of slowly watching my mom deteriorate in front of me was healing but not till months would I see the impact of that on me. Not till I get back home and try to go back to life as normal did I realize it was not normal. My mom was gone, no longer with me. I could no longer pick up the phone talk to her, ask for her to come over, help me to decorate my house all the things that I have dreamed of her being her for she’s not. I began to feel robbed and frustrated. I started to feel like I was denied of having my mother and terribly jealous of those around me who still had theirs. The jealousy was towards everyone, even my sisters since they got to have more years with her, have kids and have mom’s help with raising them and babysitting them. Every day I tried to turn to God to help me deal with this feeling I have never felt but I let It get deeper and deeper and really no matter how much I read the bible and was praying to God to make the hurt go away, it wouldn’t. I was told the hurt shows I care; the hurt is good that meant I loved her. I understood that just never imagined it lasting so long. There were days at a time where I didn’t’ want to breath or get up due to I didn’t want anything to remind me of my her. I had pulled a poor me and it was about to end.
Several months later, conversations passed, counseling sessions and multiple trips to the ER for migraines my mother’s birthday came. I was not looking forward to this day because it was the day that I always rejoiced my mother. We always had family dinners and get together I got to see my mom definitely smile on her birthday. This day was different. I kept my chin held high and tried my best to fight back any emotion. I tried to talk about it and write down my feelings I tried to do all the things that my counselor was educating me to do when I started to feel overwhelmed about the loss of my mother I could not forget. I could not put it permanently in the back of my mind. I couldn’t forget, no matter what I tried it only seemed to take the sting away from the wound. I got up that morning told myself to breathe in and out and then the day was over. Nothing fancy about it, it came it went. During this entirely to long of a day I spent some time with my sisters and just tried to make the time go by more quickly. They (my sisters) had made it clear they did not want to hang out just because it was mom’s birthday and really didn’t want her brought up. I had to understand real quickly that we are all processing mom death differently. I seemed to want to talk about it and celebrate things about her every day. I am alone with this version of grief. I have learned to accept it and that it is OK. It does not mean they love mom any less, though at first it was hard for me to understand.
I still have bad days where I don’t want to get up. Or when someone mentions kids and I want to break inside all over knowing my mother will never physically be there for me or her future grandbabies. Sure, I know she will be there angel and she is there and God is there but honestly I want to be selfish and say NO GOD I want her WITH me. Of course there is a bigger picture and I have learned that God plan is perfect. Though not easy, it’s perfect. So, here I am April 16, 2010 and living without my mom. I am prepping myself for the next big day actually two days. My birthday and Mothers day are around the corner. The commercials are out worldwide, its being known that Mother’s day is approaching quickly. Just when I feel I am really healing I feel like I take a step backwards, for me it’s just a tragedy that it’s this hard to live without her.
Something wonderful happen to me last week, I was reading the bible and I discovered a verse I knew I had read a million times but it had finally hit me. Hebrew 11:1 - Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
I was able to really pray on this verse hoping for some much needed insight as to how to handle this upcoming event. As my counselor would say pray, read the bible and write down your emotions. I have kept a journal more now than ever before and it is very healing. I have been able to go back to moments in my healing when I didn’t see the light at he end of tunnel and truly start to see God’s grace appear everywhere. I can see where he had helped me through this but I needed to help myself first. I lost some of myself when I lost my mom true but I feel I have gained so much emotionally with this. I truly wish there could have been a different way but like the bible says, God’s plan is always the perfect way!
So, yes mother’s day is coming and so is my birthday. I will get up out of bed, I will keep my chin up and I will smile. I will be able to talk about my mom and I might cry and that is OK. I’ve learned its ok to feel a lot of emotions. You don’t always have to be OK. It’s ok not to be OK. *(LOL)*. I am so thankful for the most supportive family and friends ever and especially my dear husband Ryan. I have NO idea what I would have done if He was not by my side through all this. So many have helped me in ways that I never thought I could be helped. I never thought I needed help and once I admitted it and got the help I needed life got a little easier to handle. I am thankful to a push big sister for this one, thanks Sharon! I was able to once again fall back on the wonderful teaching of Christ, that He will always be there and He loves me infinitely. I turn to Him for everything and couldn’t’ imagine a day without Him. Good or bad He is my Lord who saved my mom that day and every day prior and that, well that is what I think about when I want to think of my mom. That she got to hang out with God first and that, well, that makes me jealous too. I love you mom and I thank you God for giving me a mom I could love so dearly. I also thank God for helping me heal and come back to the place where I sincerely know Him.
